Ugh. Kael's 37 month letter.

Hey Kael,

So it is days like yesterday and today that I wonder what I am doing as a Mom. Am I failing? Would it be better to let someone else raise my kids and I just go to work while Derek goes to school?
I lose my temper. A lot.
I lose my cool. A lot.
Sometimes it is hard not to.

For instance.

Yesterday Kael pooped his pants in the morning. I could obviously smell it. I asked him if he pooped and he gets a huge grin on his face and says, "No mom. I gassed." However, I know he didn't gas. Ugh #1.
After cleaning up that mess not long after I sit on this wet spot on the couch. This isn't unusual because the kids sippy cups leak every now and then and it is usually milk or water. I then notice a few minutes later that Kael's pants are soaked. Ugh #2. He knows better than this!
In the midst of making dinner and cleaning and doing house wife things Kael comes riding into the kitchen on one of his cars and I notice a pile of gold fish crackers spilling over the edge under the seat. AH! I follow the trail and not only did he poor an entire costco size box of crackers into the car there is a pile in his room!
All of my efforts to A. keep the house clean and B. have dinner ready in time were failing.
Then, the kid refuses to eat his dinner and at bedtime insists on having a "piece of bread, milk, banana and a cracker". Hmmmm he's starving. Is it ok to make a 3 year old go to bed hungry? And if I do, will he sleep through the night or cause me to have a horrible no sleep night because he is starving?!
There is no end to the drama.
Today, I finally think he is getting better and improving. He still refused to eat breakfast, but had 2 bites of pancakes. Decides he needs a shower after I had mine. So he gets out and as I'm getting dressed for the day and Eden is down for a nap he is playing quietly in his room stark naked. I figured I wouldn't put clothes on and ruin how he was actually for once playing nicely in his room and entertaining himself. It was pure heaven for 30 minutes! I did poke my head in occasionally to make sure it was a complete disaster.
So, I decide to take the kids on an adventure to the fire station for a Mom's club activity. I got the kids all ready and we went and had a blast. Pictures at the end of this long story I promise. While there we got to walk through an ambulance. Oh after the last couple of days it made me want to go back to work. I miss the rush of adrenaline from working in medicine a whole lot compared to the rush of adrenaline from crackers and  pee and poop.
We get home and eat (a little, forcefully) and I get him to bed. I closed his door to make sure Eden couldn't come in and interrupt his nap routine. As I was leaving his room I looked on the floor and low and behold there is the biggest pile of poop I have ever seen from someone so small. My stomach dropped on the floor in shock of what I was seeing. Will it never end? It might be time to go and renew my EMT license. We had a talk about not pooping on the floor while I cleaned it up and I for once held my temper, my volume of voice, and I didn't cry. I might now though. Ugh #3. He literally pooped on my floor. When we were done talking he must have known how upset I was because he looked at me and said, "Mom I poop in the toilet ok".
I feel like sometimes I not only am getting no where with the kid, but going backwards. I guess the saying 1 step forward 2 steps back holds true.
I love the kid so much. And I have to say I have been preparing for 3 years to be harder than 2. I'm in for a ride if it is starting like this.


Kael you just need to know that obviously I love you. I mean I clean your poop. I promise to do better. I'm not going to give up and I'm going to be here for you no matter what. Poop and all. I do want to be with you all day every day. I dread the day you start school. I actually love being able to stay at home with you and play with you all day. Let's make this next month a little less loud in volume and a little less dramatic and a little more enjoyable. K. I'm not perfect. I hope that you can be ok with that. I am trying to do my best. Go back and look through the pictures from this last month because you've grown a lot and you've become an awesome kid. You are so tough. You stand for what is right. I love you kid. More than you'll know.

Love,
Mom

You insisted on taking this picture with the timer on the camera. You haven't wanted to pose for a picture in FOREVER. And, you are obsessed with that spiderman shirt. I don't know why because you don't know who spiderman is and you are just silly about it. You'd wear that shirt 24/7 if I let you. Maybe I will.